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I got home today. So here's a status update.

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• My dad's health is declining rapidly. His doctor put him on some new medication, and warned him if it didn't work they were going to have to hospitalize him soon. I'm afraid things are really going south with my dad. He told me the other day he has paid for his funeral plot, and paid for his tombstone already. He is going to the funeral home to make arrangements for his casket, vault, etc... He's paying for it, and everything associated with his funeral now so we won't have to worry about it. He seems in good spirits, which worries me. He usually is very grim when his health is a matter. I think he is hiding how serious things are and doesn't want to worry me or my sister. I am really afraid my father isn't long for this world.
  
  
• Confetti, it's been in my mind all this week. Monday I did a special thing with Confetti for a project at work. Then I stopped at Popeyes Chicken and picked up lunch on the way back from getting my hair cut today. I swear they added extra gray for no charge. The chicken came with Confetti sauce. Then I got back to work and had to call Confetti's Party Rentals to order their prize drum.
  
  
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Out of sorts, not myself, frustrated with technology

I had planned to go to bed early, but I can't. My stomach is upset, has been since last evening. Today I got up this morning on the wrong side of the bed, or the world. I'm not sure what, or why, but today wasn't my day. I was sick to my stomach when I woke up. I went to work, and had tons to do, but I felt out of sorts. My cell phone has been acting funky today, text messages would come in scrambled. They would go out scrambled. This evening it seems every text message I sent after 5:30 or so got delayed by almost 2 hours from what I can tell on the delivery status. So a bunch of my friends got inundated with text messages. Some of them wrote back wondering what was wrong, that I sent so many all at once. I'm ready for the day to end, I hope this week gets better. The weekend was so wonderful, a perfect wrap up to my vacation but the week seems to be so off I wish I could take another vacation.

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Fourth of July Reflections

I hung my flag in the window, the right way, with the stars on the left at the top for those viewing it.

I sit here, trying to pick a song to go on my MySpace page, and I think about the generations before me which served in the military. My grandmother's three brothers were all in the Navy during WWII, and my grandfather served in the Navy in WWII. My dad was in the Army. I've had coworkers and friends who were veterans of Desert Storm when I was in High School. I have known people who have served and those who have served in Iraq and Afghanistan.

You do not have to agree with the war in order to respect or recognize the sacrifice that generations before us, our own generation, and that our children's children will make in the future to defend our country. Today is a day to think about and reflect on the past, and to pray for and support our servicemen and women. May God Bless them and their families as they do their duty, and may we give them the respect, the love, admiration, and welcome they deserve whenever they come home.

Weekend

I'm suffering from MAJOR lower back pain. I must have thrown my back out yesterday during the day. I went to a race in Texarkana for work, we shot video and photos for a story. It was a go-cart race down in Texarkana. The weather was wonderful, hot but with plenty of breezes. I think handling the tripod is how I tweaked my lower back enough to cause me to be in pain later in the day. It didn't start hurting until midnight, which coincidentally was around the time I needed to meet someone who was getting off a late shift for dinner at the Waffle House. (Dinner was awesome, but it was the company not the food btw!).

I got home about 2:30 am, took 2 extra-strength Tylenol and went to bed. I got up at 8:30 a.m. and took care of my morning chores, had a banana and some cottage cheese for breakfast and got ready for Church. I knew I was in pain when I swung my leg over the Buell to back it out of the garage. I rode it to church, and wore the Shoei helmet my neighbor gave me as a gift (with the HJC broken, I was glad to have it). The Shoei has some of the BEST venting I've ever seen. Now I wish I'd just opted to buy a Shoei full face, and deal with removing my glasses each time I take it on and off. :-) It's also got a viewport which I can't see the edges of the helmet when I look left or right with my eyes or in my peripheral vision. VERY NICE. If it were only white! The Yellow, Silver, and Black stars pattern just isn't for me.

After church I rode out and had lunch with my dad. My back has been tweaking on and off ever since. I have used an electric back massager on it. That seems to work, along with copious amounts of Tylenol. I need to seal the grout in the bathroom one more time so I can get that master bathroom back in order and clean the shower and the counter tomorrow night... and to take the trash out today. I'm gonna wait a bit and see if after an hour I feel up to snuff enough to do those two things. I also need to vacuum the living room, and fold my laundry... Augh.

Anyway, I made it home about 30 minutes before the Thunderstorm hit Maumelle. I paid $4.22 for a little over a gallon of gas to fill the Buell up. I'll be riding now as much as I can to work, provided my back allows me to. The vibration from the Buell actually feels good though for my back.

Weekend

I went to a party at a friend's place last night, it was pretty good. A sushi party, we made sushi rolls, and drank Saki, Wine, etc... :-) After that we went to another party, and they were doing Karaoke. That wasn't too bad, except everyone was clearing out when we got there! I was thinking about the Karaoke today at Church, because they put the words on the screen. Maybe I should try singing sometime.

I planted my Postage Stamp Orchard from eBurgess.com.

• Dwarf Yellow Delicious Apple
• Dwarf Red Delicious Apple
• Dward Elberta Peach
• Dward Kieffer Pear
• Dwarf North Star Cherry
• Dwarf Nectarine

I planted it in a 15' x 24' area to give it extra room.

I also planted two Royal Empress trees, one in the backyard, and one in the front, and the Weeping Willows in a container so it won't get too big and I can control it.

Self Contemplation

I spent a small amount of time in prayer today prostrate on the floor, asking for God to rescue me. I am human, I make mistakes every day, and my relationship with God is I believe under attack sometimes. Some of it is my fault, some of it isn't. I am not made to be a singular person, I know that. I also think I need to let God have the wheel in my life, and take me where he wants me to. I can be a passionate person, and a bit overly passionate at times about things. I keep wanting life to be like the movies, hopeless romance and a happy ending but it isn't always like that I guess. People may not connect on a deep level like in the movies, romance seems more like a fairy tale sometimes. I have always been a hopeless romantic, mostly on the hopeless side! Anyway, I could use some friendly prayers... My little parrot is sitting on my chest as I type this, giving me kisses, at least he loves me eh! :-)

I've got an eHarmony profile, I signed up for it a couple of months ago... and it has a report which I am reading based on the questions I answered... I'm not sure how relevant it is, it's a bit more specific than horoscopes (hah, which are intentionally vague), but most of it is dead on.

Agreeableness

You are best described as: TAKING CARE OF OTHERS AND TAKING CARE OF YOURSELF

Words that describe you:

• Fair
• Considered
• Collaborative
• Responsive
• Sensible
• Diplomatic
• Contemplative
• Indulgent
• Rational

Negative Reactions Others May Have Toward You
For people who are ruled by tender-hearted compassion, your more diplomatic response to problems might seem too cool, too focused on fairness and not filled enough with sympathy and selflessness. For them, when someone's life is on fire, what is needed is not collaboration but rescue. And the person who experiences their life on fire may resent the time you take to contemplate. "I need you, and I need you NOW! This isn't about fairness, it's about the fire." "All deliberate speed" may seem too deliberate and not fast enough, either to the more compassionate or to people in genuine trouble. At the other end of the spectrum of compassion, those who believe people should take care of themselves may find even your thoughtful sympathies too soft. They expect people, themselves included, to work their own way out of trouble. They are convinced that the helping hand you lend just fosters dependence and is not good for the development of character, either in you or in the person you assist.

Positive Responses Others May Have Toward You

Many people, perhaps the majority, will come to appreciate your balance as a compassionate person. The more they get to know you, the more they will admire your thoughtful compassion for others and its compliment in the sensible ways you take good care of yourself. Those whom you help will appreciate the way you leave them with their dignity by expecting them to collaborate in their own rescue. Those who are more tender-hearted will find in you a balance they lack; when they've run out of energy because they fail to take good care of themselves, you will still have enough compassion left to lift others out of trouble. Even the tough-hearted, those who believe people should solve their own problems, might come to admire your tenderness which they don't find in themselves. So the people you help will be grateful, and the people who see your balance between self and others will admire you. Certainly, balanced is not bad at all as a way to be known among your friends.

Openness

On the Openness Dimension you are: CURIOUS (Didn't curiousity kill the cat?)

Words that describe you:

• Original
• Inventive
• Thinker
• Brave
• Eccentric
• Avant-Garde
• Out-of-Touch
• Unique

A General Description of How You Approach New Information and Experiences

You think like an artist. Or better, you SEE like an artist. While most people look at life's straight lines, its height and depth and width, you're bending the lines with your imagination and turning black and white into shades of blue and yellow. And in conversations at work or with your friends you want to ask, "Do you see what I see?" A few might, most don't, but you've piqued everyone's curiosity with your own original and inventive ways of thinking. You can, if you must, think in conventional ways. But left on your own, you'll usually opt for the eccentric or avant-garde; in fact you're usually bored with what everyone else is comfortable with. You learn from reading, talking, watching people and other fauna and flora, and simply sitting in the soft chair of your mind and wondering how people would learn how to count if they could only use uneven numbers. You are out in front of conventional ideas, bravely originally defining true and false, right and wrong, the good, the bad and the ugly.

Negative Reactions Others May Have Toward Your Style of Thinking

You drive through life faster than the speed limit, and when you hit speed bumps, and you hit a lot of them with your mind distracted from the straight line ahead your wheels leave the ground. For people who like life at a safer speed, you move too fast and lose touch too often with the solid ground they prefer, hence their discomfort with you. As odd as you might find this, many people feel safe in the shelter of the world they already know. They like the familiar. They breathe easily and sleep deeply knowing with more certainty how the world works. So although they might enjoy your company and be curious about your latest notion of how to count backwards by threes, they can only take you in small doses. And they wish you'd quit trying to push the boundaries of their personal and social cosmos.

Positive Responses Others May Have Toward You

Even those whom you make uncomfortable know, as just about everyone does, that you're not a flake. You think well, and even your wildest fancies have their roots in the deep soil of sound ideas and tested beliefs. So even if some people don't want to drive at high speed with you, they will respect you for your courage as an innovative and unconventional thinker. You lend color and imagination to what would otherwise be the straight black and white lines of their work world and social environments. A few more daring people of your circle might even learn from you to take a risk they would otherwise never consider. As comfortable as they are on solid ground, they may be curious about what it would be like to go faster than the speed limit, or paint the living room two shades of blue, or question ideas or beliefs they've fingered like sacred beads since they were children. After all, they watch you do it, and you seem no worse for the risks you take. In fact, your eyes are wider and your breath quicker, and maybe they can find at least a bit of this for themselves. To be certain, they don't want their wheels to leave the ground, but maybe the next time they approach a speed bump they might just brace themselves and speed up just a little bit.

Emotional Stability

On Emotional Stability you are: SOMETIMES STEADY, SOMETIMES RESPONSIVE

Words that describe you:

• Adaptable
• Engaged
• Able to Cope
• Passionate
• Perceptive
• Flexible
• Receptive
• Aware
• Avid

A General Description of Your Reactivity

In some ways, you've got the best of emotional worlds. When emotions rise up from inside you or are brought forth from a conversation by a friend, you know how to engage them. You deal with sadness, fear, joy, anger - whatever comes up - in ways that are perceptive and flexible. You can adapt to whatever level of emotion is appropriate to the moment. At other times, you are able to cope with your emotions in a more reserved manner. Because you are aware of what does and does not make emotional sense in a particular situation, you will decide when it is an appropriate time to express your emotions and when it would be best to keep them to yourself. All of this gives you a rich emotional life. You are free to express your passions about certain subjects with appropriate people. But you are also emotionally adaptable; if the conversation needs to be more cerebral, you'll keep it "in your head" and talk calmly through whatever issue is on the table. This emotional awareness serves you well. You seldom get in over your head, either by opening up to the wrong person or by triggering in someone else's emotions they may not be able to deal with.

Negative Reactions Others May Have Toward You

When it comes to dealing with emotions we all meet some people with whom we don't match well. You bring a balanced approach to your emotional life. As such, those who are at the extremes are most likely to have a negative reaction to you. Those who live in their emotions may feel you tend to "live in your head" while those who go through life as an emotional rock may feel that you are a bit too "touchy feely" for their approach. And of course it is always possible that because you do balance your emotional approach to life you may misread others - we all do at times. So there have undoubtedly been those times when you have misread cues and stayed in your head with someone who hoped for a more open emotional approach or you may have opened up emotionally with someone who keeps their emotions bottled up. But these things happen and since you do have a good balance of being in touch with your emotions and not being overly impacted by emotional swings, you undoubtedly are able to adapt. Another potential problem is that as people get to know you well, they will discover that you have a great balance between emotional expression and emotional control. If they don't have this balance they may wind up envying you. They can't express feelings as well as you, or they are too often out of emotional control and resent you for your ability to cope so well with the very emotions that may trip them up.

Positive Responses Others May Have Toward You

Many people will be grateful to find a friend like you who can stay in control when emotions verge on chaos, but who can also go into the tangle of emotions when it is safe and appropriate to do so. Because of your ability to engage them at whatever level they are comfortable, to adapt to whatever changes in emotion emerge in the conversation, and to cope so well with all of it - well, they'll be very glad they found a person like you. You may, in fact, wind up as something of an emotional mentor. Your awareness of the emotional temperature of a situation, your ability to adapt to either heat or cold, and your ability to cope with whatever winds up happening in the conversation could be models for them to follow as they come to terms with their own emotional worlds.

Conscientiousness

Your approach toward your obligations is: FOCUSED AND FLEXIBLE

Words that describe you:

• Casual
• Informal
• Compliant
• Reliable
• Organized
• Solid
• Dependable
• Uncommitted
• Genuine

A General Description of How You Interact with Others

When you take on a task at work or at home, you are reliable; you get the job done. In an organized way, you define the goal, lay out a plan, figure how long the task will take, and get to work "solid and dependable you". But and this is important you're not a slave to the plan. You're committed to it, but not chained to it; the connection is more casual and informal. You know that sometimes "the best laid plans" fall off the tracks; when this happens, you clean up the train wreck and start over, undeterred. Though not happening often, when plans change, you're okay with it. In fact, sometimes you change the plan. It's too nice of a Saturday to finish organizing the garage. Let's go for a bike ride instead. True, the next rainy Saturday will likely find you back in the garage, but for now the work can wait. What an interesting combination of qualities in you're organized, but casual; solid, but compliant; and dependable, but informal. At home and at work, people know they can rely on you. You take great satisfaction in knowing that people think of you as disciplined and responsible, but you also know that you have something of a free spirit in you, and when this spirit moves you, off you go, following the impulse of the moment. You are rightly proud of your work ethic, but you also enjoy your willingness to lay the tools down, crank up the music and play like a child.

Negative Reactions Others May Have Toward You

Some people live like Marines: duty-bound, disciplined and driven. To these people you might seem uncommitted; where they would never leave work for play or change plans in the middle of their life's forced march, you let the circumstance sway you and move in a different direction, and they don't understand. Others live like kites on a string, attached by thin threads to the solid ground of responsibility and are blown about by every gust of impulse or imagination. To these people you might seem too cowardly, like you'll flirt with your impulses but never give in fully, play on a Saturday but never blow of the entire work-week to "follow your bliss". While these Marines and kite-flyers might look down on you for your combination of focus and flexibility, others might be envious. They can't free themselves from a sense that they're not doing enough, or from the equally frustrating feeling that they're not free enough. And here you are with your accomplishments and your pleasures, getting the job done but also getting your hair blown back as you run with the wind. As far as these people are concerned, you're lucky you've got the best of both of the worlds in which they feel they fail.

Positive Responses Others May Have Toward You

What a great life you have, and a great attitude to boot. You know when to buckle down and push ahead to get the job done, and you do it well. You know when to lay the tools of your trade aside, grab your kite and head for the meadow where you can run with the wind. Many people will see and admire in you this lovely combination of a person who can focus, but who is flexible enough to know when to let the spirit move you in some new and livelier direction. It's a life they aspire to, and they delight in seeing it played out in your life. They may ask your advice and turn you into a mentor of the full and balanced experience. They will want to know how you do it, what the costs are, and if you get frightened that you're not working hard enough or playing often enough. They may make you think about your own life more than you have, so you can share it with those who want to emulate this balance between flexibility and focus. They may be correct lucky you!

Extraversion

When it comes to Extraversion you are: SOMETIMES OUTGOING, SOMETIMES RESERVED

Words that describe you:

• Moderate
• Amiable
• Laid-back
• Temperate
• Relaxed
• Poised
• Civil
• Uncommitted
• Pleasant

A General Description of How You Interact with Others

Lucky you! You enjoy your own company as much as you enjoy the company of others. You are a great conversationalist and thrive in the wonderful kinds of connections you know how to have with your family and friends. You also equally enjoy your own company, whether sitting in a favorite chair with your book and soft music playing or meandering in the woods by yourself. You like coming home to your family or your roommate; but if no one is home, you find quiet, solitary time to be just as pleasurable. What a great combination to enjoy being outgoing and to be just as comfortable being reserved. Lucky you!! Because you are so amiable and relaxed, you are comfortable with almost any group of family or friends. Whether they are pumped up and lively or calm and subdued, you remain at ease. If someone needs to take over the conversation, you are comfortable taking the lead; you can also lay back and let someone else be in charge. If the conversation gets rowdy, your moderate demeanor will often draw it down to a more temperate level. If someone in the group loses their cool, you will most likely maintain your poise, and if they get nasty you know how to keep a civil tongue. You may find yourself out of balance on occasion. If you're alone too much, you may need to get in touch with someone. If you spend too much time with your family and friends, you may need to sneak off for a day by yourself, to putter and read and clear your head of the noise of too much conversation. When you're at your best, you live with a rhythm of time with others, time alone, time with others, time alone It's a satisfying, comfortable balance. Lucky you!

Negative Reactions Others May Have Toward You

You may occasionally run into problems with other people. Since not everyone is as balanced as you are, close friends and family may get frustrated with you, or you with them. They may be more sociable and outgoing, and find you too laid-back and relaxed. They want conversations to be lively and passionate while you keep things amiable and civil. Or others may be more quiet and reserved than you, and when you're in one of your more animated moments they may wish you would back off. You may be ready to put more energy into a conversation than they are comfortable with. And your balance may be a problem. Other people may be consistently more sociable or more reserved than you, and find you to hard to read, some may even say you ride the fence. Others may find themselves envious of your ability to be outgoing at times, and at other times comfortably reserved. If you pay attention to pick up these cues you will be in a better position to know how you want to interact with such folks.

Positive Responses Others May Have Toward You

Most people will truly appreciate your flexibility in social situations. They will like you for your amiable warmth and your willingness to engage, and for your ability to sit back and let others take the lead or the spotlight. They will appreciate ways in which you temper what could become intemperate moments; by remaining poised and relaxed when others; temperatures are rising, you keep things civil and sane. You are as good at listening and following as you are at talking and leading, and people will often appreciate your ability to adapt to the situation. Because you are sometimes outgoing and sometimes reserved, you will make most people comfortable in your presence, and they will truly enjoy your company.

Wrapped in the wings of an angel

I asked my friend Courtney today after church what I am like, am I lighthearted or serious. She said I am serious. I guess she's right, I do not take life lightly.

I have long held to being who I really am when I meet someone new. When I go through life I do not put on a false front or hide who I am. I'm open, honest, and trusting until I am given a reason not to be. I am not judgmental, and I am very forgiving. I say what is on my mind, which might be a bit blunt and I can be overly honest but that is just me. I have a good sense of humor, but I do think life is too short to live it without any passion. I believe you have to try new things, and try to be open minded about new experiences. As such, I can be very enthusiastic about new experiences, new things and new friends. I am a kid at heart, and very empathic. I have a tender heart, and am not afraid to cry. Tears can be liberating, whether they are tears of joy or tears of sadness. My empathy can be a weakness at times, I care too much I guess. I just want to be accepted for who I am, and that is why I accept others for who they are.

Life has thrown me some curve balls some rough times... from before I was born (you'd have to know the story), to my early childhood, my junior and high school years, tough times in college, with my first job (being laid off for three months) out of college, to finding who I thought was the love of my life, and losing her to divorce last year, to the death of my grandmother. My grandmother was like my mother to me, I always felt her prayers carried extra weight with God. I miss her a lot.

Today in church, I was standing there while there was singing and music and I closed my eyes and was overcome with the feeling that an angel was standing behind me with their wings around me, draped over me. It was the closest I have ever felt to having a hug from God, and it was comforting and brought tears to my eyes.

Despite all of these things, and through everything God and Christ have walked with me, and been with me. I have had a lot of joy in my life, and hope I have brought joy to those I love, loved, and have cared for. I saw the Bucket List last night with a friend, and as I was driving home around midnight I was thinking through a lot of these things, going through a great deal of self contemplation.

I don't know why I need to say this, but I guess I need to put it out there and hope for the best. I know God has a plan for me, just as he has plans for everyone. I do not know the details of his plans, but I am open to them, and willing to grow where they take me. I just pray that my life will be full of love, laughter and happiness...

Principles of Fog Walking

We've had fog for the last week.

Some days it's been fog in the morning, fog that seems so thick it could stop a Mac truck. Yesterday on the way to work it was that kind of fog. Then last night it was fog which seemed to start at ground level, go up to about ten feet and stop... with a clear layer of air, and then at about 50 feet more fog. It rained all night when the temperature dropped. Again there was fog this morning. It was on the river, you could see it going over the river bridge. It was beautiful. The water was calm on the river, and I wished I had my rain suit on and was paddling one of my kayaks out there instead of going to work.

I've always had a fascination with fog.

Be it because of "The Mist" by Stephen King, or another story that I can't recall where a traveler crosses from his hotel to the bar across the street to find that the bartender tells him a story about how when the fog is thick the lines between worlds blur and you might not want to go out because you might end up in a different world than the one you started in (I always LOVED that story).

I've only had one car with foglamps, that was my Mercury Cougar. Driving home in the fog last night I played with the lights on the truck. No lights, dark as pitch. The fog stopped all vision. Low beams were better, and high beams were useless. I know fog lamps aim low, sometimes I wish I had those on the truck.

I've been wondering if falling snow impedes sound, and I found a journal paper from the late 1800's which proved that theory. Related to that I guess fog would have a similar effect. It would distort sound as much as vision.

Anyway, I've done some mental reflecting on fog this week... I think life is like a fog sometimes. Your vision is distorted, blocked, you can't see far ahead... nor are there many audible indicators on where you're going. Either the sun cooks the fog off, and things become clear... or it rains and the fog clears. Personally I prefer the sun, but sometimes it's nice to have the rain to wash things clean.

Saturdays at the Salt Mines

Today I got up early and went to help my dad (normal Saturday, working with my Dad). We went to breakfast, had an argument, and then watched the Toy Run in Little Rock from a parking lot. There were A TON of motorcycles. Trikes, Metric bikes, Harley's, you name it, it was in the parade. I only saw ONE Vulcan 750 in the whole thing. Same year as mine. The riders were crazy, I've thought of participating... but the way those guys ride is crazy. I think I'll stick to solo riding or riding with one or two friends at most.

My friend Larry and I met up at Wendy's, and went to see Enchanted. It was really good, but like most romance movies it made me sad. It was about true love, fairy tales, and love at first sight. I thought I'd had that, until the divorce. I hate being cynical, but I'm still trying to figure out how I feel I guess... It's funny... Let me go over something.

Going to see Dad, I hadn't left home yet... Was still in town, but driving. I got this feeling to go home and check the house. Well, the only turn around was a back road which took me past the river, through tree lined woods, and when I came out I knew why I had the feeling. God knew I was down and wanted me to turn around, and see the glory of what he has wrought. He knows I worry, that I'm sad, and wanted me to see what he has done... and to know that the creator of all of that loves me and cares for me and that it is easily within his power to help me and walk with me, to guide me, mentor me. He wants me to be happy. I know that. I just lose sight of it sometimes when I'm sad.

The movie, well, we were going to go see the Golden Compass. I didn't know if I wanted to see it, because of the controversy behind it. Well, it was sold out. Enchanted was the next thing, and I think God wanted me to see that because it had some positive messages in it. It was also very funny. A good, and lighthearted movie.

I'd decorated my tree part way today. When you handle or touch so many things which remind you of someone who loved you once, it can be difficult. The ornaments, a lot of them were purchased by Maru and I after Christmas each year. We always bought the Hallmark ornaments then because they were half price. Well, putting them on the tree reminded me of her. Of past Christmases, places we'd been (we always bought ornaments on vacations). I had a pack of 60 glass ornaments I put on too, along with the rest. I left some miniatures off, but for the most part I put all but maybe 10 ornaments on my new 7' "Skinny" tree. This was the first time I could hook up the starships (Star Wars and Star Trek). It's a bit goofy to say it, but I have probably 20 or so Star Trek ornaments on the tree. I'm a geek at heart... :-) I also have a Frodo ornament.

The tree looks pretty all lit up.

I also hung a wreath on the house, and need to get a can of silver paint so I can paint some pinecones for a wreath for the front door.

To all my friends, I hope you had a great weekend. I appreciate your friendship and support. There are times I am very down, and I am afraid to reach out to many of you for support or to talk because I am internalizing a lot of this. I feel lost sometimes and it is hard. I am trying not to be all 'emo', and I'm not being upset just for the sake of it. I've got a lot of hurt, and I don't know how to get past it. Pray for me if you will. 

Thankfulness

I got up this morning, had breakfast and then wrote a list of things to do. I went out and fed the dogs, and went and took a shower. I was getting dressed for Church when I noticed the clock said 10:25 am, and I realized I was going to be late for church. I finished getting dressed and tried calling my dad, I figured if I was late I wouldn't get a seat... and it might look rude, etc... my mind kept going over negatives why I shouldn't go and then I thought to myself about how good I feel after Church. I thought about how much my week would be lacking if I didn't go, and something just told me that God wanted me there and he didn't mind if I was late. All of a sudden this peaceful feeling flooded over me, it was like the world was still. I made sure everything was in order and took off. I got there 5 minutes late, found a parking space on the gravel without any issue (much closer than the bowling alley) and while I was late it was very pleasant to walk in to the sound of people singing. There was a seat on the back row, it reminded me of Disney World and the special queue for Single Riders. I was smiling as I walked in.

The message was about Thankfulness...

It really spoke to me, because Pastor Rick spoke about how we think to ourselves about things we have... What a nice house, what a great wife, what a wonderful family, etc... all without the realization that these are blessings from God and that we should be thanking him for them. The message hit me, because literally one week before Marie told me she had filed for divorce I had just been thinking how I had a great wife. I'd always prayed for our marriage to survive, but why survive. I should have prayed for it to flourish... but I was merely content with survival. I had gotten so comfortable with my life, with my wife that I missed the signs things were going awry. If I had been thankful to God, then maybe I might have noticed those... but I don't think so. I think God didn't want Marie in my life, I think he knew that things needed to change. So now I'm single, divorced, and that's how life has to be.

God wanted back into my life too. I prayed morning and night, and prayed during the day. Nervous prayers, little prayers because life frightened me (it still does). Was I in Church though? No, I wasn't. I met Courtney on line She's a blessing in my life. She invited me to her Church, which is where I go now. She's a strong Christian woman, and has a good heart. I've had good examples in my life, my friend Michael and his wife. They're wonderful. My friend Rob goes to Church, and is faithful. I am thankful for these people because they are great examples and friends to me and I know they love me and pray for me. My dad loves me, and my sister does. I am thankful for family, friends, and coworkers I have always felt that life is better when spent with good people.

I thought Marie was good, and had hoped for a lifetime of love and happiness with her. When our 7 year anniversary happened in March she told me she hoped we'd have 30 more years. That was bitter for me when she filed for divorce in June. This thanksgiving will be a different one, since I won't be spending it with her and my family. So will Christmas. I hope her holiday season is a joyful one, that she finds happiness and is blessed. I had 7 wonderful years with her, and am thankful for that time together and am trying not to look back on it with too much sadness. I know that God has great things in store for me, I need only listen to him when he talks to me, when he nudges me, and gives me signs.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Stephen

Last week and the weekend

I took my Vulcan 750 out for a ride on Thursday. It has been a month at least since I last rode my bikes. The bike started up fine the first time, I'd put seafoam in the gas the last time I put it up. I went through half a tank (about 70 miles) riding and the ride home was in the dark and COLD! I thought about getting gas on the way back but there was a driver in a Volvo who passed me on the interstate and then started messing with me. He got over, and got off on my exit... Then slowed down about 20 mph below the speed limit. So I passed him and got over and he sped up and started riding my back tire. So I sped up and so did he. I didn't want to pull over at the gas station because the lights were out and the pumps still work but this guy was behaving erratic. At one point he decided to speed up to about 80 mph in the 50 mph zone and pass me, then proceed to put his brakes on and slow down to 50. I don't understand idiots like this. Brand new car, expensive car, and behaving like a jerk. I ended up slowing down and letting him just blow on down the road. The way he was driving he was gonna get picked up by the police.

I cleaned out 12 bags of trash at dad's house on Friday just picking up papers, empty boxes, and things which were junk the other day. His house is getting cleaner, and hopefully if he vacuums we can get it cleaned up and sell it sometime late this year or early next year. The sooner the better.

I found out on Sunday at church that New Life Church is prepping their building site for a new building with a sanctuary which will seat 2200 people. WOW. I drove by the place with Courtney after Church to check out the new location, and it's just down the road a few miles. We ate at Osaka Japanese Sushi and Mongolian Grill out on Highway 10 (it was very good, very expensive! :-) and went to Pinnacle and the Arkansas Arboretum and walked the trails and took pictures with her digital SLR camera. It turned out to be a pretty good weekend

Weekend

I went to Tunica and the casinos with my friend Courtney this last weekend. I hadn't been there in a long time, the last time I visited there was with my dad and his friend Mac. It was a bizarre experience. I've had a lot of those this year.

What with Maru wanting a divorce, and me hitting the lowest place in my life because I lost the woman I loved more than anything. Then during the divorce her wrecking her motorcycle and having to have surgery twice... The first time I drove past her house on my way home and saw a guy's car in the driveway and feeling angry over that... Then going out with my friend Larry to the River Market and ending up at Midtown Billiards and then going to Church the next day at a small Baptist Church in Conway and having the contrast of people who have been out drinking and then went to the only bar still open when the other bars had closed to people worshipping God... Meeting my friend Courtney, and thanks to her going to a contemporary Church where the people were praising God and the spirit was strong... to a Casino where you smell the smoke the moment you enter the Lobby for the Hotel, and the place is loud with Slot Machines, the table games are empty, but the line for the buffet is long. It has been a very strange last four months or so.

Courtney asked me if I miss my ex, and yes. I guess I do. I still have my moments where I wonder who Maru is, because she seems so bizarre to me. Like she isn't the same person I knew all those years. It's hard to imagine getting married again at times, and I don't know when or if I'll be ready for that. You get used to someone for such a long time, you want to be careful and not go looking to replace that person or looking for someone who can fit the mold they did because that's not fair to anyone. I know things will never be the same for me in any relationship. Once you've been through a divorce, nothing seems right again.

I guess I'm just trying to say, I've got days where I feel great... and feel fine... and days where I feel out of kilter and I miss Maru even though I try to tell myself I don't. She was my best friend for so many years, how can you not miss the trust, companionship, and friendship when it was a constant in your life like that. That kind of familiarity and trust is built over time, and 7 years is hard to duplicate.

Some days I find it hard to come home and do chores, like put away the laundry... vacuum... mow the yard... change the papers in the birdcage... organize the garage... etc... because I just get in a funk and I want to go to bed and just not think. Today is one of those days.

Article

My friend Courtney wrote an article that was in a Christian magazine a while back.

It perfectly describes the experiences I've had with Church in the last few months.

I visited a nice little Baptist Church in Conway, AR - Grace Baptist Church. It was very traditional, small town, country church. The membership though was huge. They must have 300 members or so. Talking with Courtney's grandpa yesterday I found out he and her grandma go to a small Baptist church in Little Rock. It's congregation is shrinking. That's what I saw when I was a kid, as our congregation at the church my parents went to got older it got smaller. There weren't a lot of youth functions, and as such the congregation shrank as the local demographic of the neighborhood changed and people moved away, passed away, etc... It's nice to see a traditional Church, like Grace flourishing because that's the kind of church I grew up in.

The Church I've visited twice in the last few weeks, New Life Church in Maumelle, AR is very nontraditional The core beliefs are there, the same as any church... But the music is upbeat, the pastor is very much all about the Good News versus hellfire and brimstone.

I like both kinds of Churches.

One reminds me of where I came from, the other, shows me there is hope for Christianity in this country still.

There is a company named Ink in Maumelle which does screen printing They had a sale last week, and I went there and picked up some t-shirts. They had tons of Christian shirts, I guess seconds, etc... The prices were really good. In the past I always thought I should shy away from that stuff... It never seemed right to popularize God and Christ because if it's trendy, then people might not be there for the relationship with God and Christ... But be there for the people and the crowd. My view has changed a bit, because if people are there and they truly come to Christ and God, then that's great. Why shouldn't it be fun, it doesn't have to be traditional.

Along those lines, I've attended Baptist Churches (Missionary and Southern), Pentecostal (when I was in High School with a friend), and now New Life Church. New Life has active praise and participation, it's upbeat, and very positive. I don't really know anyone there other than Courtney, and once I find out it's the place for me, then I'm sure God will let me get to know people there. I do know that this last Sunday was the first time I've been to a Church, and felt the spirit of god anointing me in a Church in a long time.

I've had a rough year, and I have friends of all different backgrounds and faiths... And I know they've worried for me, and prayed for me, and thought about me. I appreciate and love you all, I still need your thoughts and prayers... And I remember many of you at night when I pray. I have hope and faith that all is going to be fine, that God is taking me in the direction he wants me to go with my life...