Weekend

I went to Tunica and the casinos with my friend Courtney this last weekend. I hadn't been there in a long time, the last time I visited there was with my dad and his friend Mac. It was a bizarre experience. I've had a lot of those this year.

What with Maru wanting a divorce, and me hitting the lowest place in my life because I lost the woman I loved more than anything. Then during the divorce her wrecking her motorcycle and having to have surgery twice... The first time I drove past her house on my way home and saw a guy's car in the driveway and feeling angry over that... Then going out with my friend Larry to the River Market and ending up at Midtown Billiards and then going to Church the next day at a small Baptist Church in Conway and having the contrast of people who have been out drinking and then went to the only bar still open when the other bars had closed to people worshipping God... Meeting my friend Courtney, and thanks to her going to a contemporary Church where the people were praising God and the spirit was strong... to a Casino where you smell the smoke the moment you enter the Lobby for the Hotel, and the place is loud with Slot Machines, the table games are empty, but the line for the buffet is long. It has been a very strange last four months or so.

Courtney asked me if I miss my ex, and yes. I guess I do. I still have my moments where I wonder who Maru is, because she seems so bizarre to me. Like she isn't the same person I knew all those years. It's hard to imagine getting married again at times, and I don't know when or if I'll be ready for that. You get used to someone for such a long time, you want to be careful and not go looking to replace that person or looking for someone who can fit the mold they did because that's not fair to anyone. I know things will never be the same for me in any relationship. Once you've been through a divorce, nothing seems right again.

I guess I'm just trying to say, I've got days where I feel great... and feel fine... and days where I feel out of kilter and I miss Maru even though I try to tell myself I don't. She was my best friend for so many years, how can you not miss the trust, companionship, and friendship when it was a constant in your life like that. That kind of familiarity and trust is built over time, and 7 years is hard to duplicate.

Some days I find it hard to come home and do chores, like put away the laundry... vacuum... mow the yard... change the papers in the birdcage... organize the garage... etc... because I just get in a funk and I want to go to bed and just not think. Today is one of those days.